"Ever forward, my darling wind."

The start of this semester wasn't very different from how the others have started. I tripped at the starting line with anxiety attacks. Funny thing about anxiety--I'm still trying to figure out when to go for the big guns (Ativan) and that I had a delayed reaction with it..really sucked.

So I'm pretty behind in class.

This week I decided to do something different. Instead of starting this weekend's homework off feeling miserable about how far behind I am, I just set all my past due stuff aside and focued on what's up and coming for this week specifically. The other stuff is already late--a day or so won't make a difference. It's overwhelming to even look at...so it was nice to just shelve it and get on task.

Result: I'm caught up on this week's stuff and can focus on my past due assignments with muuuuuuch less anxiety. Whoa whut? I'm not behind for this week? Noice! It took about an hour or so but dayum I feel good.

I also applied some Toyota Lean management processes to how I get around to studying and yeah...I'm anticipating that I'll be able to meet these goals:
- to have reading caught up before I have lecture
- to have studied NCLEX questions on section before test
- to have assignments turned in on time
- to be ready for every lecture
- to get better grades!

>.< I swear someday I'll unlearn the bad habits I developed while I was in high school. Someday.

Came up with an idea I might have to propose in a paper: mental fitness. As much as anyone can be physically ill or physically fit, how about being mentally fit? I kind of hate describing myself as "chronically mentally ill" when I'm talking about how to thrive despite mental illness. I'd prefer to describe it as becoming more mentally fit.

How do I define "mentally fit?" Just like you'd define someone as physically fit--someone who is self-assured, has a positive body-image, is physically ready to take on physical challenges and maintains that readiness through a healthy regimen.

Mental fitness, to me, is developing a positive self-image and being self-assured with it. It's being mentally ready to take on mental (or emotional) challenges and maintaining that mental fitness through good habits like sleeping and eating well and mindfulness.

It's hard to talk about mental illness. I struggle with uttering those very words "I have a mental illness." I think it's far easier to work with a statement like "I'm aiming to become more mentally fit. I want to be strong and confident in mind as well as body." Who wouldn't like a confident mind, a positive self-image?

My mental fitness coaches have been my significant other and my therapist and my advanced practice psychiatric nurse. With their coaching and the mental workouts I do on a daily basis (meditation etc) I'm able to achieve greater goals and resilience. Failure? Just an opportunity to begin again, smarter. Embarassment and shame? An opportunity to exercise compassion for myself and others in similar fates. Anxiety? A reminder to meditate. Self-loathing and deprecating thoughts? No longer a fixture in my mind now that I live with more Buddhist tenets.

"You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection."

I didn't realize how much I actually like facebook until I got locked out of mine. The forgot-yer-password email-reset thingy does not show up in my inbox, junk mail folder, anywhere. Basically my profile is...unreachable as is the tech support on getting back into my account XD

So yeah if you've superpoked me or whatever, I won't be respondin to that in a while...

In my current, second stint at college, I'm embracing all sorts of ways to change my personal health. Therapy. Exercise. Laughter. Yoga. Shoveling snow because it's fucking fun! I'm a big fan of health. It sucks being "under" all the time...under the weather, undersexed, underwhelmed. It's funny, my definition of health has changed so much over the past decade (gosh I feel old to type that d word).

First, I thought health meant financial stability. After all, my family lived on the edge of a knife financially, with 4 kids and one mom. Then I sacrificed my health to try to achieve financial stability, as did my mom...we burnt out.

Second, I thought health meant having love. Which is true--you can't have health without love. But the virtue of having Jeff in my life didn't keep my demons at bay. He kept with me through numerous depressive episodes. I had some impression that finding love could solve every problem, some sort of panacea that is often promoted in movies as the "cure-all" for moral, ethical or intractable dilemmas. For that reason I have a hard time swallowing the ending of Fern Gully.

Third, I thought health was freedom from burden. I moved to Minnesota and found a significant burden lifted from me. My mother's heavy expectations of me to support the family, be able to buy Natalie a car, etc.. gone! It's funny, when one burden leaves, another one hops on your shoulders. The trauma of moving to a new state jolted me down to the core, and I found myself squashed under the weight of depression.

I looked up the definition of health, how it's derived from Old English haelth meaning "wholeness." I had ignored so many parts of me to focus on particular issues; by the time I got to these parts they were unrecognizable. My spiritual self had kind of been on back burner since Davis. My physical self enjoyed peak fitness in high school and has declined tremendously. My sense of self altered by changes made in therapy.

Good God it's so hard to feel healthy to the truest sense of the word. But with enough trial and error and effort, it's possible.

PEANUT BUTTER MEME TIME!
How healthy do you feel? What part of you feels the healthiest? What part of you feels the least healthy?

I tag...Natalie, Laurie, Steph and Erin!

What if Belle was into furries? How would she feel about Beast turning human?

Comment and I will...

a) Tell you why I friended you.
b) Associate you with something -- a fandom, song, color, photo, etc.
c) Tell you something I like about you.
d) Tell you a memory I have of you.
e) Ask you something I've wanted to know about you.
f) Tell you my favorite userpic from your list.
g) In return, you need to post this on your own livejournal.

Last night I went and got my patient's chart for today's clinical assignment. Clinicals is where I get some one-on-one time with a real patient, real issues, real meds, real procedures, the works. I get to take care of a patient and their needs for a day, provided that their cares are within my realm of expertise. This client's chart told a sad story--she had had multiple surgeries, multiple scary experiences but came out ok. Then the seizures came, and eventually she came to the ER. ER did lab draws, found that she was hyponatremic and started giving her sodium to bring up her sodium levels. Hyponatremia is life-threatening. They did this to save her life.

Unfortunately, if you go too fast too furious with the sodium buffs, you can put your patient through central pontine myelinolysis, where their brainstem's neurons lose their myelin sheath. Just.totally..shredded. So signal conduction just sucks afterwards.

My client came into the hospital in much better condition than she is today. Basically, the care she received robbed her of her ability to move, to hold her children, or to speak. She speaks in whispers, her eyes are alert and full of personality. At times they're filled with sadness, an unspeakable sorrow for the facilities she lost over the course of TWO WEEKS. And I wanted to sit there and cry with her.

She's so young. She's just a coupla years older than my older sister, has a couple of kids, loving husband. Then over the course of September, pieces of her being fell away. The able-bodied, fit, agile self she knew is gone forever. We don't even know when she'll ever be able to see the inside of her home--she requires long term acute care, basically round the clock care by nurses to make sure that her specialized needs are met. She hasn't been home in over 3 weeks.

I read her chart and it unfolded like a train wreck in slo mo. Then I met her and saw a tragically vivacious and hurt woman. And then I broke. She was every bit as beautiful as

Compared to today, my previous semester of clinicals was a walk in the park. Today I administered about a dozen meds, cleaned PICC lines and all with a client who was iffy at best when it came to following orders.

I had my clinical instructor for a good chunk of time and gaaaaaah. I. wish. I. was. faster. I'm sorry I'm slow at clearing a PICC line for the first time. I got caught off guard by the IV med--I wasn't even aware I was to give that! Oy.

I'm home, I'm exhausted and I just wish I were better prepared for my clinical today. I prepared as much as I could have, as thoroughly as I could have and I just..still...sucked.

Good experience though...the only way you can really stay on your toes the best is to be swept off your feet first. Martial artists don't become experts without getting their arse kicked first. This is my very first nursing arse kicking.

That said I am eternally grateful for the nurses for being very accepting and kind about the noobishness. At times I have less patience with noobs, for infinitely more trivial things than personal care. Someday I'll be helping a new nurse along, and I'll be as kind to him or her as my teachers have been with me.

For next time: for a completely unfamiliar procedure, I'll ask the experienced nurse to demonstrate first, then I'll do. :)

It's stuff like this that pulls me into nursing and away from medicine. I had bounced back and forth between the two for a while, but am finally settled.

There is room for a squishy heart in this indifferent world, after all. :)

1. Pass this award on to 7 people.
2. Answer the following questions using only one word.

1. Where is your cell phone? backpack
2. Where is your significant other? bed
3. Your hair color? charred
4. Your mother? neurotic
5. Your father? dead
6. Your favorite thing? wellness
7. Your dream last night? peace
8. Your dream/goal? happiness
9. The room you're in? living
10. Your hobby? WoW
11. Your fear? maggots
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? debt-free
13. Where were you last night? home
14. What you're not? uncaring
15. One of your wish-list items? shoes
16. Where you grew up? Fremont
17. The last thing you did? bath
18. What are you wearing? robe
19. Your TV? off
20. Your pet? cats
21. Your computer? ibook
22. Your mood? sedate
23. Missing someone? family
24. Your car? nonexistent
25. Something you're not wearing? fur
26. Favorite store? Archiver's
27. Your summer? entertaining
28. Love someone? youbetcha
29. Your favorite color? Teal
30. When is the last time you laughed? yesterday
31. Last time you cried? dunno
32. Are you a bitch? maybe
33. Favorite Position? sleeping
34. Favorite Past Time? relaxing
35. Are you a hater or a Lover? ehh.
37. Are you genuine or fake? fake
38. Any Vices? overspending
39. Pro Life or Wire Hanger? pro-woman
40. McCAIN or OBAMA? Obama!
41. Pro Plastic or Natural? Plastic
42. Dream Job? NP

I tag these unfortunate souls:
_chiyoko_
arckyosuke
sheda
skankykiwi
mrliberalmedia
integral_lore
redsatin

I've read For Better or For Worse ever since I was a kid. I remember saving my favorite strips in an old box. I'm a fan of the "slice of life" genre and absolutely love it when a snapshot of real life is covered to such amazing detail. Lynn Johnston does this effortlessly.

I'm a bit sad that FBOFW is coming to an end, so to speak. I had known about it for over a year and yet I still feel sad about it.

Every time I finish a manga or anime series that was really good I kind of pause, sigh, and mentally thank the artist for the ride. I also mourn a little bit. I was grateful that Sandman had The Wake to help take the edge off of such a fantastic series coming to an end. I still feel bittersweet towards Calvin and Hobbes and The Far Side (as in I'm glad they ended it instead of letting it drift on life support, but I miss them!). The end of Battle Angel Alita and Nausicaa of the Valley of the Wind always hits me like the first time I read it.

So now I have another comic to add to my list of favorites, now deceased. And while they're bringing back a set of "new-runs" or reimagined reruns, the series is dead to me now.

The best stories come to an end. The worst stories start off strong then peter off to a pathetic, babbling mess (Rumiko Takahashi is so on my permaban list). I fully believe this, yet when a series comes to an end I can't help stomping my feet like a child and crying for more.

Anyone have any suggestions for taking the edge off mah grief?

So there's a failblog.org that is like lolcattery, but with fail.

the most horribad fail goes to... this picture that makes you wanna scrub your eyes with bleach
see more pwn and owned pictures

Though apparently, that ad is a hoax? http://www.museumofhoaxes.com/hoax/weblog/comments/4129/
Thank goodness..


see more pwn and owned pictures

I like this one better.

When I was a kid, there was a comic and card shop in the mall and several others in town. I had my own box and everything at Yug n Grendel's. I was the only female I know who frequented these comic shops, much less bought their wares. At the time, Internet was available at a whopping 12kps.

Times have changed. Comic book stores are disappearing as fast as their other mallrat-haven counterparts (video game arcades, remember those?). Internet is commonly available at 12mbps. Not to mention video games are getting sexier than ever.

The American comic book industry has failed to inspire a new legion in this generation's youth. They're more attracted to video games, the instant gratification of the Internet, text messaging. Compared to the speed at which video games and viral videos are released, the monthly ish of X-men comes at a pace on par with Blizzard Entertainment's glacial clip. A thinning, flimsy book with full-page on random pages, for content that has long been over $3 an issue, released on a monthly basis. Only die-hard fans would put up with this.

Not all is lost. Comic book stores are experiencing a strange revival in chain bookstores. The manga and trade paperback section in any Borders grows larger and larger, carving a distinct teenage niche in what used to be a barren place for teens. More women are reading comics than before (well, if you consider manga and webcomics a part of the comic landscape). Webcomics flourish without borders or brick-and-mortar comic book stores. And those comic book-based movies have bolstered mainstream interest in comic Americana.

I don't think the comic industry will look the same 5 or 10 years from now (but then again, what industry does?). I doubt that monthly comics will catch on with this next generation, which is kind of a sad state of affairs (without monthlies, trade paperbacks could not exist). I do think that things will get better for female nerds, what with manga and Borders diversifying an otherwise male landscape. And the comic industry is certainly not going to die.

As with the music industry, the Internet changes everything. CD stores have disappeared, but music has yet to die. Someday, will I be reading Sandman electronically? Will my next issue come in PDF format? Could I buy a collection of those issue in trade paperback format? What would my collection be worth if it was in electronic format?

Therein lies the rub. What will a comic industry do without tangible, printed copies? How would that affect the collectors, the most loyal and dedicated anchor of its fan base? If comics fully go electronic, how would the comic industry and its artists make money?

*shrug* All I gotta say is, the gradual and cruel shakeup of the comic industry is as entertaining as comics themselves.

ON A SIDE NOTE:
I'm not writing for the Minnesota Daily this year. They really made me mad with how they burned their columnists. This is the closest thing to a column I have written in MONTHS. I tossed and turned for an hour, chewing on this essay in my head before I braved the cold AC air and hopped on my lappy to pen it.

Writing gives me such great pleasure. Yet I hate certain aspects of it. And it'll be a long time til I consider column writing again. It'll be even longer til I consider myself a good writer (for the moment I'm satisfied knowing I'm not a bad writer). One thing's for sure--I won't ever, ever stop writing.

When I'm mad, I do what yuppies do--get a cup of tea, put on some relaxing music and get in a sudsy bath. Then afterwards I unleash a steady stream of complaints, whinings and other such piteous things to Jeff for comfort.

I read this little snippet off of a magazine article written by Emily Gould, a former Gawker blogger.

The will to blog is a complicated thing, somewhere between inspiration and compulsion. It can feel almost like a biological impulse. You see something, or an idea occurs to you, and you have to share it with the Internet as soon as possible. What I didn’t realize was that those ideas and that urgency — and the sense of self-importance that made me think anyone would be interested in hearing what went on in my head — could just disappear.

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/05/25/magazine/25internet-t.html?pagewanted=9&hp

Heh.. that's how I'd describe my past school year with this blog. Gould went from being a popular blogger to a paid Gawker blogger and then back out again after enough time was spent receiving hate mail and all sorts of fun. Her blogging fount dried up in between this time and she's more judicious about what she puts out there.

I kind of had a similar experience. After my columns on disability and interracial dating I found myself in a most hated position. As in, hated by a collective group of people. It's a very odd and discomforting feeling, I assure you. Especially when one is hated by their own damn classmates. *sigh* If only I had published the part where Vinh told me I should have married a deaf Vietnamese guy over Jeff (since a Viet guy w/hearing wouldn't be able to tolerate me, and Viet trumps White).

Anyway, I found myself TERRIBLY amused by this gif animation of Tyra Banks.

I've found some pretty good ways to make long passwords that I can actually remember. Using medical conditions or meds I make long sentence phrasey things, like "Monitoring parameters for digoxin" or something like that.

On April Fool's Day I pranked but one person--Nat--into thinking that Jeff and I had broke up. She was a wee bit pissed that I pranked her, lol...um sorry Nat. I told Jeff later and he busted a gut, but conceded that the prank was kinda mean. :\

On a side note, my brain pranked me in a really bad way. I thought the deadline for an online exam was 8pm and it turned out to be 8AM so I missed a midterm... A*)$(@#*$)(*%#)(@#$*)_. I spent an hour or so sulking under my desk for my stupidity.

The way my cat comes up to bug me at the very eve of a deadline makes me think of this ersatz mathematical relationship:

My proximity to a deadline is directly proportional to the proximity of my cat to me. I've got 40 minutes to meet a column deadline and he's sitting on my arm...happened last week too. I'd push him off but he's purring and warm.

I guess when it's finals week he'll be exceptionally clingy.

http://www.bestofthemisc.com/photoshops/madness-this-is-photochoooooopz-hilarious-300-photoshops/

Happy monday!

Yeah yeah I've been talking about the cat a lot...here's pictures.
( Cat pictures )

Someone invited me to stumbleupon.com, and like a lemming leaping into the sea, I joined.

Holy cow it's like fark but faster loading.

I got this link from it. All I Ever Learned, I Learned from Anime ( http://www.abcb.com/misc/latt_03.htm )
From the site: All young children can pilot mecha, you just need to give them a few days.